As life begins to settle down...

I'm definitely trying to keep an open mind on what my next steps are. Finally moving and starting to get settled in. In the middle of summer and Ramadhaan, alhamdulillaah very near. School will be beginning soon for my children and as much as I would have liked to homeschool, unfortunately it doesn't seem like a viable option. Between my mother's illness, a last minute move and several events which transpired unexpectedly, it doesn't seem attainable at this moment. Qadr Allaahu wa maa shaa fa'ala. Inshaa Allaah I will supplement school, providing my children with Islaamic education at home and still keep my options open to homeschool at a later date. I knew that this was possible, so I began to prepare myself early on... disappointing but expected with everything that happened recently.

I know what my ultimate goal is... although it may seem as the furthest goal, it most definitely is the most important, to make hijrah for the sake of Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala with my children. Anything to leave this wretched country and its wicked ways. However, my plan must be executed with wisdom and sensibility. I'm not just some young girl, free to roam the world with well intentions of exploration and carelessness. I am a mother with children and I am fully responsible for their lives, their actions, their goals and most importantly their survival... in addition to my own. Allaah has given me all that I needed in order to be successful in this matter. Countless nights, endless du'a to the Creator; tears, trials and frustrations at what seemed like closed doors towards my goal. Allaahu akbar, He is Just and All Knowing. Obstacles which were once in my way, preventing my doors from opening, through faith in Allaah were removed. What seemed like mountains were crumbled into pieces at His request and all I can do is tear up at the magnification of what was accomplished through permission of Allaah.

"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Mawla (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people."  Surah al Baqarah 2:286. So now the imminent choices arise.

What would be more beneficial for me now and what would assist my family in the future? Is going back to school worth my time and how much time do I have to offer school (let alone the patience to offer)?

I always had a dream of ultimately returning back to school and continuing my studies. I started life early, young and married then performing duties of wife and mother while in my teens. I would never change this for the world. Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given me beautiful and independent children. They are apples of my eyes on loan from Allaah azza wa jal, here to provide service to Allaah and bring joy to me for the temporary time that we are on this earth. I feel almost unworthy of these wonderful seeds that were graced to pass my presence. Uniquely advanced in wisdom for their ages, eloquently smart, extremely witty (bordering sarcasm lol!) and still maintaining a lost innocence we see amongst our youth nowadays. Something I see regularly amongst Muslim children... this, I assume, due to the fact that our children are generally not subjected to the debaucheries that are rampant in our society through our way of life. Not necessarily sheltered, but given a chance to be children and develop their youth by village raising, good morals and proper ethic. Once again my talks surrounding my children, they take up a majority of my time, my life and sometimes... just sometimes I feel like it will be hard to let go... "empty nest syndrome". May Allaah protect me from that. Ameen. Other times (and more often) I can't wait for them to grow and develop their own ideas, their own families and truly understand the trials and sacrifices, we as parents make for them.

Nevertheless, starting over in school is going to be difficult. Maa shaa Allaah, we have a community college that offers a 2 year Nursing program - with under a year of general studies to complete before being "chosen" as a candidate for the program. After so many years of life experience and not under the stringent environment of structured education... I would have to work extra hard to make it work for me.  I never knew as a single mother that this would be so hard. Without a supporting half, going back to school and assisting my children with school, in addition to the entire family's Islaamic education seems more than overwhelming... almost impossible. I often question my readiness for marriage, while trying to understand what that role would entail exactly. I psych my own self out of actively seeking by claiming it will be an "invasion" of my home and my sanctity. Keywords: psyching myself out. I do miss married life and understand the ease of having someone else there with your best interest at heart. The blessings received from a marriage are great and enormous and anything that I'm able to accomplish singularly, I'm sure I can accomplish in a marriage. I also take advantage of the resilience of my children... we need time out... I think. Tawfeeq (success) is with Allaah, ta'ala.

I can always fall back into the realms of familiarity... driving myself into the work force and working tirelessly to save bits of money to reach our goals. I think I've gotten used to staying at home and being available for my children whenever they need me. Sleeping in after sunrise and having access to the comforts of my household. Being able to study quietly and seeing the beauties of nature throughout the day. This looks more like my reality although its the one I most despise. The hardest reality. Trying to be a munaqqabat in the inner city streets of the Nation's Capital. I understand first and foremost the compromises of women who wear niqaab, who don hijaab and who try to practice modesty while dealing with the harshness of the workforce. Starting from ground zero...  is the most difficult. The optimistic view about starting from here is: there is no where else to go but up. The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, said that if you go to Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala with sincerity then Allaah will be sincere with you.