Tirings of Life - My moments in time

I was perusing for an answer… a solution… a glimpse that I may not necessarily be alone in my feelings. Not necessarily seeking a response, but to remove some feelings that are beginning to well up inside… Its been 5 years since I accepted Islaam (Allaahu Akbar that Allaah has guided me upon the righteous path to follow the way of as Salaf as Saleh… the path of Ahlus Sunnah wa Jama’ah). I look back on my life and the few years as a Muslim (and make du'a for many more). I see 3 failed marriages, two in polygyny and one monogamous… all ending in divorces. All for good reason... but all ultimately ending.

Several out of state and in state moves, along with increases and decreases in eeman. I see a plethora of bad decisions, some knowingly and some unknowingly.  I see heartaches and heartbreaks, trials and tribulations. I see questions and concerns, then eventually, ultimately conceding to and accepting the Qadr of Allaah, azza wa jal and believing in His wisdom. I know some of my past mistakes are due to al-hawwa, my own nafs, the awful decision making or lack of and allowance of others bad decision making. And through all of this I am beginning  to ask myself what my level of commitment was within those relationships and if I myself have not brought some sense of or rather lack there of, of resilience to my marriages.

Did I intentionally want my marriages to end, lead to failure or purposely lack the ability to thrive? I’ve always loved the thought… the “concept” of marriage. There is absolute beauty in the oneness of marriage, the "completion" of half your deen, the sacrifice and knowledge gained through a righteous partner. Yet, these days I am beginning to appreciate my ability to make my own decisions, pay for my own mistakes, my independence. Is this selfish? I am a strong-willed woman, determined, possibly over opinionated and have a general idea of what my future husband’s character would have to be in order for us to thrive. I admire the stories of the Ummuahat'ul mumineen, radiallahu anhuma. Their struggles and sacrifices, what they offered to their husbands, to their children, to their sisters, in their marriages, to Islaam. The surrendering of their worldly ways for the gainings of al-akhirah. I often relate to and relish in the story of Umm Salamah, radiallaahu anhu, and her struggles, her will power. She was a symbol of strength, she was the mediator, an ease to the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, she was wise and upstanding and was truly respected and appreciated in Ahlul Bayt. The beauty of our Mothers and their actions, is enough to make anyone of our hearts weep at the regression and selfishness, that we commit regularly, first to myself as a reminder.

There is no doubt whatsoever that I am in love with the sunnah of polygyny. I agree wholeheartedly that applied correctly it is one of the most beautiful and wonderful sunnah that is re-implemented/re-established in our beautiful deen recently. The benefits of polygyny far outweigh any detriments. Practiced in its correct form, any harms or disadvantages are only due to individual desires or lack of knowledge, selfishness and ignorance,  improper jealousies or reverting to ignorant times and means. I see the benefits for the children, for the wives, for the husband and for the entire community and family. I see the sickening of a society and its forceful monogamy, that has caused more harm and breakage in the family units. I preferred polygyny in previous marriages, even after coming from a past riddled with infidelity and betrayal, I still embraced the option through my love for Allaah and His commandments who made this permissible, because of my love for the Sunnah of the Nabi, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam and that this was practiced by him. He, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, who was the best of mankind and his wives were the best of women. So who am I to question it? But now, I now question my desire to be in a polygynous marriage... for other reasons. Does this go back to my original stance of non-commitment? Am I selfishly desiring time to myself… only getting married to fulfill my deen, as an obligation but preferring to be left alone for at least half the week… or every other day, or however the brother deems to operate it? Yaa Allaah, so many unanswered concerns and questions.
 

Its been almost 8 months since my last divorce and I am feeling a tinge of loneliness. I have 4 wonderful children in my household, maa shaa Allaah, who love Allaah and his Rasul, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam. May Allaah azza wa jal, guide my oldest daughter back to the path of al-Islaam, ameen. Beautiful children who compete for the pleasure of Allaah subhanahu wa ta’ala. They are amazing to watch... especially when they aren't looking. Assisting one another, racing to learn Surah and teach each other, enjoining the ma'ruf and forbidding the munkar with one another and even with me, begging for Islamic studies during the day. Allaah has blessed me with such wonderful seeds, apples of my eyes, which are only here with me for a short time, I own no rights to them, verily to Allaah we belong and to him we shall return. Their growth far exceeds my own... seeing them in their innocence and truly understanding what Islam is about.

I remember it is critically incumbent upon me to guide them and teach them in the best of manners with what Allaah has provided us with. And Allaah is Ar-Razzaq. So I feel like my behaviors towards not seeking marriage actively, truthfully, just putting it off completely, will act as impairment to my children’s growth. I have 3 sons who need a “male figure” in the home who is stable, knowledgeable in the deen and academically, and stern yet kind, who will teach them and grow with them. I am only the mother and while I can nurture and love, nourish and sustain and give them the basics of life… I cannot teach my sons how to be men. So there falls again the predicament of my own selfishness and inability to entrust myself or my family in a marriage. Why?
 

I try so hard to make sure my actions are performed with ikhlaas. I desire Allaah’s mercy and his favor. I strive for every bit of my actions towards my family, my children, my sisters and brothers in Islaam… to be fee sabilillaah. I sometimes drain out, wear myself thin, to exhaustion and take a breath and start all over again. I make du'a constantly for Allaah to remove this doubt of marriage from me. I’ve studied the rights of a Muslim over his wife and vice-versa, the rights of sisters over one another and children over their mothers. I’m always looking for topics of or concerning myself with contemporary issues of marriage. I am constantly reading in the Seerah of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam; the Sahaba radiallaahu anhum. I want to follow the example of the best of Creation, Rasulullaah, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam and the best of the women the Ummahaat’ul Mu’minin, radiallaahu anhuma. Yet I cannot shake… or rather encourage an urge inside for me to marry.

I feel like I deserve this loneliness, want to embrace the loneliness and need to get past this loneliness. Yet, with reminders from some of my sisters (May Allaah reward them and grant them Jannah firdous, ameen) that the Sahabiyyat, radiallaahu anhuma, did not wait… the best of women did not put off marriage… and then it begins to sadden me. I seek refuge in the Allaah, azza wa jal and His book, there is hikmah beyond our limited scope of understanding in the words of Allaah.

And I recognize, I have so many wonderful things to be thankful to Allaah, ta’ala about. I have a righteous believing praying mother and stepfather, righteous children and we are upon what is correct, inshaa Allaah. And here I am complaining that I'm not sure if I want a husband when there are tons of sisters who would bargain for a chance to have someone, SubhanaAllaah adheem. Which of the favors of your Lord will you deny? I am reminded constantly by the Kitabullaah, reminded by the Sunnah of the Nabi sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, by the examples set out by the best of generations and those after them and those after them. Sami’na wa At’ana, we hear and obey. It is my hopes that my, for lack of better word, defiance is not ill-placed.
 

I'm sure I sound like a basketcase right now, an endless blob of emotions and that is exactly how I feel. In one moment I'm ready for marriage, the option can't come sooner; in the next moment marriage cannot stay further away and out of my head. Am I alone in this thought... *sighs*

May Allaah azza wa jal grant us shade on the day where there will be no shade and may our scales weigh heavily with our good deeds on yawmul qiyyamah, Allaahuma ameen.