So... I'm still here... right? ranting....

Life continues to take turns - left or right, up or down and sometimes it just feels like I'm spinning around in circles and I'm too afraid to stop out of fear of falling. But sometimes we have to fall... how else are we going to learn how to get up? Back and forth... to and fro... endless motion of emotions and usually all for nothing. Istikhara over and over again... for what? The same ending. I supposed to say I can do this by myself, I AM doing this by myself... but can I really?

I was on a bus recently with my son and daughter coming from jumu'ah, for the most part the people in my town (although they don't understand) are usually accepting of the increasing wave of muntaqibaat. Nevertheless it was a normal day, heading home to rest before my troop headed back out for evening classes. Then this.... thing... this (I cringe to mention) man gets on the bus and starts to wreak havoc amongst all of the patrons. The bus driver unable to figure out what to do... wait for the police... call in Metro transit police... physically get the guy off the bus... anything, so he lets him continue to ride and annoy everyone. As our stop approaches I'm debating whether or not to even try to get past this man. I have a son in crutches and an immobilizer and a young daughter looking at me with frightened eyes, as if to say "why?". We rang the bell and proceeded to exit the bus. Politely saying "excuse me's" to other passengers on the bus who gladly offer a hand or move out of the path... and as my son is passing this demon, I'm not sure if it was imagination or nerves, but I'm sure he attempted to bump my son.

This is MY child, MY seed... and I went into protection mode... yaa Allaah protect me from the dangers within myself! Ameen. I moved my son forward and told the man to get out of our way and stop being a menace which turned into an attack on my niqaab! By Allaah, I could feel the evil within this man trying to attack me with his slurs and raised hands - passengers trying to eschew my family from the scene and others attacking the man who was spewing profanities towards me. I was grabbing for my son, who equally is protective over his family and began to defensively attack... Now safely off the bus, I could hear this man's hysterical laughter at me and the other passengers on the bus. Sending chills up my spine and a wrenching pain in my soul that I somehow failed myself and failed my faith by my actions. What else was I supposed to do? Allow this man, who looked two notches away from searching for his next "high", to attack my children or myself? So I had to think... thought... reflected. Sought istieghfar and made tawbah to my Lord.

I have slowly become weary of being the maintainer, the provider, the protector of my family but I have done it all these years... and have many more to come. This is NOT the role of the women... YES we are strong and powerful and wise. But we are meek, soft, and tender - the nurturers for our families. We are beauty and modesty. We should be protected and now  I'm tired... but this is my stride... this is my test...

I read and remembered the history of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, and our Mothers, radiallaahu anhumma, who endured attacks on his family, friends... were evicted from their homes, separated from their families, who starved and endured torture for the sake of their faith. "Were you to depend upon Allaah with true dependence, He would have provided for you like He provides for the bird; early in the morning he leaves hungry, but returns at the end of the day with a full stomach." (At-Tirmithi no. 2344, Ibn Majah no.4I64, Ahmad 1/30,52, Ibn Hibban no. 2548 and Al-Hakim 4/318)

Hasbun Allaahu wa la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. Allaah suffices me and there is no might or power save Allaah. Its time to have true tawakkul in Allaah for all of my affairs. Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me.

Tawakultu Allaah wa ni'mal i wakeel. I put my trust in Allaah and he is the best guardian.

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Are you a ninja?

"Why yes young man/lady I am!" This is the answer that I would love to give... or break out in some kung fu move to let them know just how stealth and limber I am, as they gaze in amazement. However, most of the time I smile from beneath my [mask, veil, mouth cover] niqaab with big upturned eyes and say politely, "No, dear I'm a Muslim . Are you a ninja... Is it hot under there... Are you a superhero? These are the nicer comments of children who are more curious than afraid, respectful and inquisitive. As are most children.

Others are reflections of the ignorance's of their parents bigoted ideologies. I know I'm not the only one saddened and frustrated by the recent attacks on niqaab. Apparently, "they" feel that through attacking the women, the "weaker" sex that they will make a foundation uproot, of sorts, to the Muslimeen as a whole. They must not know very much about the typical Muslimah. The weak arguments of oppression and excuses that I shockingly see among the so-called "progressive" Muslims is beyond disturbing. I recently came across an article on Al Jazeerah where the opposition said that Muslim women who wear niqaab are intentionally causing a barrier in communication, that is why he supports the ban in France.

Who in their right frame of mind can conceivably say that the lack of someone's "communication" skills through their inability to see a facial expression exceeds the right of someone practicing religion freely. So I suppose the blind, or even people who use communication through telephone serve the exact same lack of communication and should be banned as well. Well... that's exactly what one person had to say about the Muslim woman's right to wear niqaab, on Al-Jazeerah.net. Shaaz Mahboob, the vice-chair of British Muslims for Secular Democracy stated:

"Discrimination of any form is considered unacceptable is all civilized societies. He believes the niqaab should not have a place in civilized Western societies. The burqa or the niqaab does just that. It allows one person to remain anonymous during face-to-face communication, thus depriving the right of the other to reciprocate whilst registering the changes in facial expressions, which is vital in such communication, in conjunction to voice that is used for everyday communication."

Well brother Shaaz, you have severely cancelled out your original opinion of discrimination is unacceptable by validating the French government that the niqaab or burqa has no place in society or for that matter Islam, in his later statement:

"The argument put forward by individuals and groups that somehow covering of women's face is a religious obligation for the reason of their safety from the lewdness of men, falls flat on its face when recalling the etiquette's during Hajj."

There is no validity to the claim and it is a bogus argument. Women having to forsake their religious belief for the state of government takes us back into the realm of hatred and discrimination in the Western World where women were seen as half-citizens. Hijab and niqaab are my choice, our choices! Hajj only applies to the MUSLIMS who are required of it as a religious obligation. Hajj is neither permissible nor obligatory among the non-believers! He later states that Islam forbids the women from wearing face veils during Hajj, which also proves the fact that it is not only allowed, permissible but also obligatory for women to wear the face veil outside of the realms of the "purity" of pilgrimage.

It has taken me *YEARS* to come to the point where I am comfortable in niqaab (the face veil), for myself and in society. I choose to wear niqaab, abaya, khimar and gloves because of my own decisions, my rights and my freedoms on my own volition. It is beyond me that there is/are someone(s) out there who feels that their rights exceed my own personal freedom's to practice my religion. I have withstood the taunting of adults and children (at their parents encouragement, which is absolutely disgusting; breeding hatred among the innocent minds of our future). I have dealt with bigotry, racism and prejudice outside of the realms of Islam. Cleared misunderstandings and misplaced angers for people who have little or no understanding (ignorance) of race, creed or belief. Now once again, we must make society deal with the ramifications of their actions by upholding our belief as women united.

I follow the belief that it is my choice as a religious practice to wear niqaab. I believe that no one has the right to tell me where, when or how to practice my religion. I follow the belief that just because I wear niqaab that it does NOT abrogate the responsibility a man has to lower his gaze or act accordingly and respectfully towards me as a Muslim and as a human being. In an ideal world there would be no rape, no domestic abuse against women, no derogatory statements for women walking down the street, no street violence aimed towards women, no random murders or theft to women. In an ideal world we would all follow the purity of Islam! In the meantime, I wear my niqaab and I will wear it proud!

Now other countries are following suit... Spain, Canada.... so much for originality.

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