Life continues to take turns - left or right, up or down and sometimes it just feels like I'm spinning around in circles and I'm too afraid to stop out of fear of falling. But sometimes we have to fall... how else are we going to learn how to get up? Back and forth... to and fro... endless motion of emotions and usually all for nothing. Istikhara over and over again... for what? The same ending. I supposed to say I can do this by myself, I AM doing this by myself... but can I really?
I was on a bus recently with my son and daughter coming from jumu'ah, for the most part the people in my town (although they don't understand) are usually accepting of the increasing wave of muntaqibaat. Nevertheless it was a normal day, heading home to rest before my troop headed back out for evening classes. Then this.... thing... this (I cringe to mention) man gets on the bus and starts to wreak havoc amongst all of the patrons. The bus driver unable to figure out what to do... wait for the police... call in Metro transit police... physically get the guy off the bus... anything, so he lets him continue to ride and annoy everyone. As our stop approaches I'm debating whether or not to even try to get past this man. I have a son in crutches and an immobilizer and a young daughter looking at me with frightened eyes, as if to say "why?". We rang the bell and proceeded to exit the bus. Politely saying "excuse me's" to other passengers on the bus who gladly offer a hand or move out of the path... and as my son is passing this demon, I'm not sure if it was imagination or nerves, but I'm sure he attempted to bump my son.
This is MY child, MY seed... and I went into protection mode... yaa Allaah protect me from the dangers within myself! Ameen. I moved my son forward and told the man to get out of our way and stop being a menace which turned into an attack on my niqaab! By Allaah, I could feel the evil within this man trying to attack me with his slurs and raised hands - passengers trying to eschew my family from the scene and others attacking the man who was spewing profanities towards me. I was grabbing for my son, who equally is protective over his family and began to defensively attack... Now safely off the bus, I could hear this man's hysterical laughter at me and the other passengers on the bus. Sending chills up my spine and a wrenching pain in my soul that I somehow failed myself and failed my faith by my actions. What else was I supposed to do? Allow this man, who looked two notches away from searching for his next "high", to attack my children or myself? So I had to think... thought... reflected. Sought istieghfar and made tawbah to my Lord.
I have slowly become weary of being the maintainer, the provider, the protector of my family but I have done it all these years... and have many more to come. This is NOT the role of the women... YES we are strong and powerful and wise. But we are meek, soft, and tender - the nurturers for our families. We are beauty and modesty. We should be protected and now I'm tired... but this is my stride... this is my test...
I read and remembered the history of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, and our Mothers, radiallaahu anhumma, who endured attacks on his family, friends... were evicted from their homes, separated from their families, who starved and endured torture for the sake of their faith. "Were you to depend upon Allaah with true dependence, He would have provided for you like He provides for the bird; early in the morning he leaves hungry, but returns at the end of the day with a full stomach." (At-Tirmithi no. 2344, Ibn Majah no.4I64, Ahmad 1/30,52, Ibn Hibban no. 2548 and Al-Hakim 4/318)
Hasbun Allaahu wa la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. Allaah suffices me and there is no might or power save Allaah. Its time to have true tawakkul in Allaah for all of my affairs. Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me.
Tawakultu Allaah wa ni'mal i wakeel. I put my trust in Allaah and he is the best guardian.
I was on a bus recently with my son and daughter coming from jumu'ah, for the most part the people in my town (although they don't understand) are usually accepting of the increasing wave of muntaqibaat. Nevertheless it was a normal day, heading home to rest before my troop headed back out for evening classes. Then this.... thing... this (I cringe to mention) man gets on the bus and starts to wreak havoc amongst all of the patrons. The bus driver unable to figure out what to do... wait for the police... call in Metro transit police... physically get the guy off the bus... anything, so he lets him continue to ride and annoy everyone. As our stop approaches I'm debating whether or not to even try to get past this man. I have a son in crutches and an immobilizer and a young daughter looking at me with frightened eyes, as if to say "why?". We rang the bell and proceeded to exit the bus. Politely saying "excuse me's" to other passengers on the bus who gladly offer a hand or move out of the path... and as my son is passing this demon, I'm not sure if it was imagination or nerves, but I'm sure he attempted to bump my son.
This is MY child, MY seed... and I went into protection mode... yaa Allaah protect me from the dangers within myself! Ameen. I moved my son forward and told the man to get out of our way and stop being a menace which turned into an attack on my niqaab! By Allaah, I could feel the evil within this man trying to attack me with his slurs and raised hands - passengers trying to eschew my family from the scene and others attacking the man who was spewing profanities towards me. I was grabbing for my son, who equally is protective over his family and began to defensively attack... Now safely off the bus, I could hear this man's hysterical laughter at me and the other passengers on the bus. Sending chills up my spine and a wrenching pain in my soul that I somehow failed myself and failed my faith by my actions. What else was I supposed to do? Allow this man, who looked two notches away from searching for his next "high", to attack my children or myself? So I had to think... thought... reflected. Sought istieghfar and made tawbah to my Lord.
I have slowly become weary of being the maintainer, the provider, the protector of my family but I have done it all these years... and have many more to come. This is NOT the role of the women... YES we are strong and powerful and wise. But we are meek, soft, and tender - the nurturers for our families. We are beauty and modesty. We should be protected and now I'm tired... but this is my stride... this is my test...
I read and remembered the history of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salaam, and our Mothers, radiallaahu anhumma, who endured attacks on his family, friends... were evicted from their homes, separated from their families, who starved and endured torture for the sake of their faith. "Were you to depend upon Allaah with true dependence, He would have provided for you like He provides for the bird; early in the morning he leaves hungry, but returns at the end of the day with a full stomach." (At-Tirmithi no. 2344, Ibn Majah no.4I64, Ahmad 1/30,52, Ibn Hibban no. 2548 and Al-Hakim 4/318)
Hasbun Allaahu wa la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. Allaah suffices me and there is no might or power save Allaah. Its time to have true tawakkul in Allaah for all of my affairs. Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me, Allaah is sufficient for me.
Tawakultu Allaah wa ni'mal i wakeel. I put my trust in Allaah and he is the best guardian.
2 comments:
Dear sister,
you seem like such a devoted, beautiful muslimah, subhan'Allah!! The last part of your post really touched me.
You're a strong woman, it seems, and don't worry about the terrible incident with that stupid man! You didn't fail at all! He failed and Allah (swt) indeed knows what is in your heart, soul and mind.
You are in my duaa's.
Ameen to your dua sis. Thank you so much for your confidence. I am no more than what I am by permission of Allaah. May He, azza wa jal, not hold me into account for what the people think of me. Ameen. Alhamdulillaah, I've only dealt with minor incidents of hatred and this was so hurtful to me, I felt like crying and fighting at the same time and all I could think about was the safety of my children. The true nature of people, some good and some bad. May Allaah guide them. Ameen.
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