So How Do These Marriage Things Actually Go...?

No I'm still not over the shock and awe yet. But I figured better now than ever and better late than never... right? So the marriage thing usually goes someone asks, someone says yes and then two someones get married. So that's about how it went. In a week's time. Actually less than a week.

Yes.... REALLY!!!

Four days worth of intention and then a marriage. 10 months later and after a few knicks and scrapes in the beginning we are still holding on. I wouldn't flatter us to say strongly, but we are gripping our molar teeth to the rope of Allaah and through Allaah there is success.

So back to the initial thought, I thought it a little strange myself that this all transpired so quickly. I thought and rethought, then prayed istikhara and thought again. I did it over again, sought consult with friends and family (all within 24 hours of the sitdown) and eventually agreed. Marriage on Friday, after maghrib. It was Thursday. I was so terribly nervous the morning I was to be married. I almost didn't have any nails to apply henna to, from gnawing at them. What a lovely beginning we had though.

Okay enough teasing and on with the story.

So after a marriage and divorce, gone wrong. Another marriage (or two) gone astray and a year of waiting. I decided to restart again... then an intention went wrong and a couple of interests gone wrong (I was batting 1.000!!). I could not fathom how my "love" life continued to come up just shy of a commitment. I almost decided on completely giving up on the entire concept of marriage. I had thrown all my eggs into these baskets that either had too many holes in them or were weakly woven. Not that my stitch is that tight but I could not entertain that for myself, or my children. Two busted baskets would make for no progress in this life... or the hereafter.

(I really should work on my analogies). 

Well... this is when the "parent's" stepped in. Not that they weren't there the whole time... they are ALWAYS there. O_O LOL! But stepped in, in the sense of no more "I know a great brother", "There is this brother, I work with/go to school with/who is a companion of my...", "Sister, this brother is interested..." scenarios. They TOOK over!

Anywho, here I am a 'ahem' early thirties, single mother and my parents are establishing sit downs for me. Embarrassing! Not really though, I wish I had taken them into consideration the first time around. I mean, who would have my families interest's at heart better than the very ones who devoted time and energy into our interest's. My mother heard about him first, then my stepfather. If anyone knows my mother, once she sets her mind out to do something she is adamant about following through with it. So it was accepted without question that my stepfather would be speaking to him and establishing potential communications. The sit-down was set for two days later, at a local Middle Eastern restaurant.

Fast forward to the day of the meeting (just because the intricacies of every day life for me were pretty dull). The family car (since I am riding with my parents) is on the brink, there are issues with the brakes and we aren't able to make it to the original destination. And I am ready to just throw my hands up again. Then a phone call is made.

Us: "We are late, the car is acting funny and we can't make it, so sorry that we'll have to reschedule"
Him: "Well... where are you now?" (He is now 20 minutes across town during lunch hour traffic)
Us: "Approximately 15 minutes from such-and-such restaurant"
Him: "I'll meet you there in about 20 minutes"

The look of excitement and confusion on my mother and my face was priceless. Although you could not see us (we wear niqab). But just the eyes... that wide eyed, wow factor. Given the history and interactions of some of my suitors, you would understand.

Continuing on, we must have sat down for over 3 hours in the restaurant posing careful and deliberate questions, through my parents, to one another. Making notes not to stare too long or make too sudden of movements at one another. It ended too quickly and we all felt as if, we said so much but still had so much more to say. So as we were leaving the restaurant, he volunteered to help my father with the car troubles. First offering his mechanic and then offering his personal knowledge on how to fix the brakes. I rode with my parent's to my house, my driveway became the makeshift mechanic shop.

My children were coming home from school, the ones that are in public school. My older ones were home already waiting for my return... and my assessment. No need, they could assess him themselves. So the interview process with the children started. And they were ready! They asked a plethora of questions from 'what he expects of them' to 'what his income was' (a brash little bunch, I have!). He smiled in between answering and gave them light questions, to show he wouldn't shy away from their confident questioning - and concern for their mother.

Somewhere between leaving the restaurant and this guy following in the car behind my parents, I knew this was the man I was going to marry and strive to spend the rest of my life with. I think he knew it also. We were now pushing into approximately 8 hours of a sit down, running out of steam and running out of questions.

He had a long drive ahead of him, back home and the potential of another sit down was highly probable. But we missed one vital portion... he hadn't seen me yet. With my mother and father sitting with me and him across the room (in my living room) I briefly lifted my niqab. "Maa shaa Allaah, nice." were the only words that escaped his lips.

My mother (being my mother) asked him was he going to place intentions then or wait until a later date. He, not succumbing to the bequests of persuasion, slightly danced around the subject and eventually (officially) placed intentions. Then he posed a question to me that half shocked me, half bewildered me... he asked, "So, when do you want to do this." Without thought (or sense) I blurted out instantly, with a half-cocked smile leaning towards jest: "How's Friday for you?". His response was even more shocking. "Friday is great. If I wait any longer, I'm worried I'll miss this opportunity". My heart felt as if it fluttered right out of my chest!

My soon-to-be husband left for an over 2 hour drive back to his residence to prepare for our wedding. We both had a lot of thinking to do for the upcoming day... the big day.

Our wedding day... the next day!

I must have stayed up all night in dhikr to Allaah, off and on the phone with close friends and trying to get some amount of rest. I received a call from my mother that morning saying that my "intended" was going to call to set up light arrangements (time of wedding, my mahr, witnesses). He made all of the phone calls and was done by noon. We were to be married after Maghrib, right before a class given at the masjid on the rights of marriage. How climactic! My children and parent's were there, some sister's at the masjid and many, many witnesses on the brother's side. I had other sisters on the telephone listening in. I listened quietly as the Imam went over the rights of the husband and wife in the khutbatun nikah.

We left the masjid (after the class... no rush!) as husband and wife. Allaahu akbar! So with all of life's hills and tunnels, there is still light at the end.

I pray daily that our marriage is successful and that we continue to have fear of Allaah in how we interact and address one another. If everything is done for the pleasure of Allaah, then nothing is done for selfish, self-gratuitous reasons.

So is this how this marriage thing is supposed to go? I give, you take; I take, you give - we compromise? We share throughout all of life's challenges and put our own selfish reasoning aside? I hope so, because I could get the hang of this!